This ain't a love song
by ParanoiaBaby
Summary: Jean Kirschtein - Trost - Before and after the battle - I needed someone to believe in. He was one of the best among us. I want to see him again. What should be done is...


The gate had been sealed.  
Even though he had seen it with his own eyes, Jean couldn't believe it. They had stopped the attack of the titans. And it had been one of them who had done it. A titan had sealed the Wall. A titan who had killed other titans. A titan called Eren, member of the Trainee Squad nº 104. He had never imagined he could see something like that, not even in his worst nightmares.  
The sun had already disappeared behind the horizon, but everybody was frantically working on the Wall, getting the cannons ready for the next day at the light of the torches. Initially, they had granted him permission to be on the first resting turn, but he insisted on going up on the Walls again with everybody. He knew he wouldn't have slept anyway.  
After the first impression, Jean put his feet back on the ground. Yes, they had achieved something nobody had before, but thanks to what? How many had died during that long day?  
He didn't even have time to check who was alive and who wasn't, so he could only rely on who he had seen. Armin, Mikasa and Eren, of course, Connie, Annie… On the other hand, he hadn't seen Marco, Bertholdt, Sasha, or Daz.

"Marco was also near the gate with the others…"

He stopped for an instant with the gunpowder barrel in his hands, nearly making trip the one who was carrying it on the other side. He realized he hadn't seen Marco since they had closed the gate.

"It can't be."

- Hey, you, move your ass!

He started walking again and they finally left the barrel near one of the cannons. They had been carrying ammunition for a couple of hours already and his arms were starting to hurt.

"He was probably assigned to another group, that's all…"

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The atmosphere was even lively that night. After three years, they had finally managed to graduate. Even Daz, as useless as he was, had made it until the end, which had surprised everyone.  
But that suicidal bastard had to open his damn mouth. He wouldn't change his mind. He would join the Military Police and leave behind all that shit. He hadn't made his best for nothing during those three years.  
When Eren finished his "speech", Jean got up too and went to the second floor. He didn't want to listen to more nonsense from the other trainees. The fresh air hit him when he went out to the terrace.

"C'mon, die for nothing, if you want it so much…"

- Jean…?

He turned around. Marco had come up too.

- That idiot managed to persuade you too? – asked, frowning.

The dark haired sighed.

- Eren may have his dreams, but I also have mine. – replied, getting near his friend. – I want to work for the King.

Jean smiled.

- Fuck, you're going to keep up with that until the end, aren't you?

He knew that what he was being a coward, but that didn't mean he was stupid. Between living like a coward and being eaten by a titan, he preferred the first option without doubts.  
However, even Marco had something to believe in. And what was what he had been doing all those years?

"Living. No…"

- It's what I've always wanted, after all… - apologized the dark haired.

"Surviving. That's all I have done until now…"

He laughed. The idiot's words had moved something inside him and he didn't like that at all.

- Well, thinking that in a few days we'll be in the inner Wall eating meat it's enough for me…

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After the sleepless night, it was his turn to rest, but they had just finished carrying the ammunition to the Wall when the sun rose and they started to fire. It was impossible to sleep with all that hellish noise.  
Finally, tired of tossing and turning in bed, he went out to the hallway. The cannons stopped for a few seconds before starting firing again and he realized he had already gotten so used to that sound that that silence seemed strange to him.  
When coming back to the headquarters, Jean had asked around about Marco, but nobody could tell exactly where the others were. They simply assigned the shifts to the ones who were there. Everything was upside down.

"If he's not here, he must be at the Wall. He must be in the other shift…"

He looked through one of the windows. The white smoke covered the upper part of the Wall, but from time to time he could see a tiny figure in the dust when the wind blew harder. He could have looked for hours, but he wouldn't see a thing from there

_Your orders were right. That's why I could jump. That's why I'm alive._

He kept thinking about what he had said back there. Alive. They were alive because they had left behind their comrades without moving a single finger to help them. Comrades that had been with them for those past three years.

"Is this the price for surviving?"

Any day could be the day they would end in a titan's stomach. After everything that had happened, he was even more sure about that. He couldn't have remorse or doubts at that point. Who would be alive the next day if the Colossal Titan attacked again? The last time it took him five years to appear again, but it was simply absurd to predict the titan's movements.

"When this is over, we're going to go to the inner Wall and we're going to forget about those monsters…"

If only it had happened two days later, he wouldn't have had to see that horror. He would be in the Military Police and he wouldn't have to fight an actual titan.  
Had he really done what was right? If it hadn't been him in charge, would have died more or less people?  
For the time being, he didn't want to think about it.

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- What are we supposed to be guarding, for fuck's sake?! – shouted Jean. – No one is stupid enough to come here to steal something…

He sat on the steps in front of the storehouse. It was already dark, it was cold and the last thing he wanted to do was to stay up doing something completely useless.

- Well, maybe it's some kind of training… I think… - replied Marco, sitting next to him.

- The old man is crazy. Is there any use to this?!

The wind started to blow harder and the trainees drew near instinctively. The clouds that were approaching them didn't look good at all.

"If it starts to rain, I'm going back inside and fuck this…"

He was grateful that Marco was going to be with him that night. At least he had someone who could talk to. He didn't even want to think about a guard with Annie…

- Would you get so near if there was Mikasa here instead of me?

Jean instantly blushed and moved away from his friend.

- What was that for?!

The dark haired laughed.

- So it's true what the others said…

- WHAT?! – exclaimed Jean again. – They…! Let's get the things straight… I don't like someone who's all day after Eren's ass…

Marco looked at him trying not to laugh again. Usually, he was a really quiet guy, but he sometimes said stuff like that and managed to mess with him.  
Suddenly, Jean put his arm around his shoulders and changed his expression. He wasn't going to leave without shooting back.

- Well, and what about you? You sure have kept it in secret, uh?

- What? Me?

This time his friend blushed.

- Who's the lucky one? Christa? Mina? Or maybe you like girls with more personality… Annie?

Marco looked away without saying a word.

- You must like one, c'mon...

They heard a thunder far from them. He took his arms off his friend's shoulder and shrugged.

- You can be so boring sometimes…

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Wandering in those streets once again was giving him the chills. There was blood everywhere. It looked worse than the battle itself.  
Jean came up to a bump in the middle of the street. He had seen it from afar, but he couldn't tell what it was until he had it at his feet. It was an arm. An arm with one of their uniform's sleeves. He looked around, but there wasn't any body near.  
Who was the owner of that arm? Before getting eaten, that arm was attached to somebody, but now it was just a nameless piece of meat.  
The trainee picked it up and for a second he thought he recognized that hand. However, it was impossible to match a face with such a little detail.

"It's just an arm, that's all. No one cares about a fucking arm."

He started walking back, looking around for the "rest". Years before, he had run in those streets with other kids, way before the fall of Wall Maria. When everything was still alright.

- What did you find?

The woman got her pen ready.

- It's just an arm. – answered before tossing it with other "parts".

- Is there something that could help recognize it?

- No.

- Let's keep working then.

Jean stood still, staring at that arm for a few seconds. He was sure he had seen it before somewhere.

"It's just an arm."

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- I'm not cut out to be a leader. Don't say things like that again.

- I hope you won't get mad when I say this…

- …

- But you aren't a strong person. So you can relate to how the weak feel. In addition, you excel in sizing up any situation. Isn't that why you immediately know what should be done? Your orders were right. That's why I could jump. That's why I'm alive.

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_Isn't that why you immediately know what should be done?_

Yes, he had realized it at the same instant he had found him dead in Trost two days after the battle, no one knowing how it had happened.  
After three years, all his efforts had been in vain. But Jean knew that he couldn't keep walking on that path. Even if he had been in the inner walls, what would change? He'd just survive a couple of years more full of regrets.

- What should be done…

That tiny bone stung him painfully in his hand. He had already regretted once about that boring life he had been living.

"It's now or never."

- Hey, guys… Have you decided which one you're joining?

Connie looked at him blankly. If he said it, he couldn't back down later. But he didn't want to end up in a pyre with no one knowing why or how he had died.

- I have…

He choked and his voice trembled. Fulfilling the dreams of the dead would be of no use. Living and doing something worth, would.

- I…

"Why it had to be you, Marco?"

- I… I'm joining the Survey Corps!

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It had been only four days, but it felt like forever. The trainees were the ones who had been removing the debris from the city before letting the civilians go back to their homes or what was left of them.  
Maybe it felt like forever because of the sleepless nights, the rumors about Eren's trial, Armin worried about Eren… In each conversation, Eren's name would always come up.  
When his shift was over, Jean headed back to the quarters while others went to Trost. For a second he looked through them, as if his friend would suddenly appear among the trainees.

"In two days we're going to choose…"

He went to the dorms. He would probably be the only crazy one to join the Survey Corps, aside from Mikasa and Armin. They had already made up their mind that they would go to hell with Eren, if it was necessary. But that wasn't so far from the truth…  
He took off the harness and left it on the bed's side. Connie was snoring, surprisingly.

"The outside…"

Even if his body felt heavy, he couldn't fall asleep. Suddenly the idea of the outside world had become more real than before. In three years he had desperately fought to get as far as he could from those monsters and now he was running towards them.

"I'm frightened, Marco…"

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Still half asleep, Jean felt as someone moved away the blankets and lay down next to him, but he completely woke up when two cold hands lifted his shirt. He turned around but he couldn't see a thing in the dark.

- Hey, what the hell…

- It's cold…

He recognized Marco's voice.

- Then get a fucking blanket. – replied Jean whispering, trying to push away his friend.

If somebody found out, they would make fun of them until the end of time. Connie was still snoring.

- Don't you prefer me being here? – asked the dark haired. – Didn't you call me?

He felt his breath on his nose. Calling Marco? When had he done that?

- If Connie wakes up…

His friend's hands touched his face. He stood still. Marco kissed him. His body couldn't react. What was happening? It was impossible that Marco… However, his lips felt completely real.

- Wasn't this what you wanted, Jean?

That was enough. He wrapped his arms around him and put their lips together again. Yes, that was what he wanted, why deny it? He wasn't that kind of person.  
Marco put a hand into his pants and started caressing him. He had to be careful not to be too loud or else the others would wake up…

- Marco…

He didn't know when exactly his friend started being so straightforward, but that had freed him from being the one to take the first step. He would have left their relation as it had always been if doing something would have taken him away from him.  
It started to rain. The storm had finally reached them.

"That's why he didn't want to answer that night…?"

Their clothes were starting to get in their way. Still kissing him, Jean tried to take his friend's shirt off, but in that situation in the dark, he couldn't even unbutton it.

- Jean, let me do it…

Marco moved away and got on his knees on the bed. At that instant a lightning illuminated the room.  
The shirt was open and covered in blood. The right sleeve was broken and empty. A half smile. Only one shiny eye.

- Didn't you want to see me again, Jean?

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He screamed. He screamed until Armin took him by shoulders and dragged him back to reality.

- Jean, what is it? Was it a nightmare?

He looked at his comrade without seeing him. He could only see that silhouette illuminated by the lightning.

- Marco… Marco…

He couldn't breathe properly. The tears wouldn't stop falling.

- Jean, you have to calm down… Take a deep breath…

- Marco…

_Wasn't this what you wanted, Jean?_


End file.
